So, I’m out solo hiking again today. It’s slowly getting easier every time I do it but I’m still a little nervous. I feel myself having to look for people on the trail, even ones that may not even be there (Read more about my fear at I Hate Hiking Alone). But as I am on the tail end of this hike I’m feeling a very welcoming sense of calm, I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this before.
“Is that a bad thing? Should I be this relaxed? Why haven’t I been this relaxed before?”
A piece of me wonders why I need to be outdoors by myself. Why is that need so strong? Why can’t I have that same need and urge with my husband and kids on a consistent basis? It’s not like I don’t want to go hiking with them, I do! And, I do hike with them quite often but sometimes I feel like I just need quiet.
However, having quiet makes me wonder if that’s wrong. Maybe that’s just the way society makes us think. That we have to be constantly in motion. That taking time to meditate is a sign of weakness. Is that what I’m feeling, weakness?
Maybe as a woman I feel like I need my husband to protect me.
That I need his guidance and his wisdom. When in all actuality I know more about being outdoors than he does. And it’s not that he doesn’t want to know it’s just this is my profession and not his. Don’t get me wrong, if we were in a survival situation he’d do amazing. He knows how to do things that I don’t know how to do, but when it comes to hiking in general I’m the one with the knowledge base. Yet, I still feel like I need him there to have confidence. It is the weirdest feeling in the world.
I wish that I didn’t have that feeling constantly. But I guess that’s what continuously solo hiking will teach me. I want my daughters to grow up not having that voice in their head telling them that they need a man to protect them. That they don’t need a man to be there to do these adventurous things. That girls ARE allowed in the outdoors.
But in order to do that I have to show them.
I have to be the example, which means I have to work through my own fears, and then my own voice inside of my own head. I cannot expect them to act differently than I feel if I’m not willing to do different myself.
So, this brings up the question, “How do I finally get over my fear? Will I ever get over my fear? Is that ok?”
Comment below and let me know if you are struggling the same way I am. We can share our stories and work thru it together.